I had a little talk with my mom this evening and the topic about having talked about funeral details and death details came up. It's incredibly sad for me to look around and think that nearly all of my local friends and internet friends have had that conversation with their spouse.

Heck, my husband and I are 23 and 22 years old and have already dove into it. With his third deployment coming up, of course we've talked a little bit about it. But I find it extremely upsetting that at our age we have already had this talk. Of course it has to do with the line of work that he is in, but how many civilian couples do you know that have had to have this talk? Especially when both people are in good health?

Now, no one really wants to bring up the topic but how do you really say, "Hey Hon. What do you want me to do in case you die?" When I have brought up such scenarios (of course I was not that blunt) neither of us were in the mood to go into details. But of course you want to honor his/her wishes at the same time.

I literally went through a listing of those KIA last year and found five men that I had either met or knew of because of their spouse. And after sitting there, with tears coming to my eyes, I couldn't imagine not knowing how my husband wanted to be seen out by his friends and family. 

Need to keep myself busy

I have found that I just simply need to keep myself busy, even if that means that my house goes to being a wreck. I can't stand to stay inside my house for hours at a time when I know Alex isn't coming home. I am honestly fine during the day, but once night time hits, dinner is made and it's bed time for Colin I feel the need to talk to him. Unlike during the day where I could care less if I talked to him or not, simply from the fact that we rarely talk during the day while he's at work. 


I volunteered to some extent with the FRG. I can't sit here and not do anything with them and then be upset because I don't like the way things are going. I just requested that if there are small tasks that need to be accomplished, to send them my way. 


Started couponing last week. Got this week's paper and of course it had the wonderful P&G saver in it! I already found some great deals that will end up in overages, so I'm really excited about that. I just need to figure out how to do couponing and my normal grocery shopping with Colin and without Alex. Which normally wouldn't be a big task, but with my stomach muscles being the way that they are, my back and the fact that a 2 year old does not want to sit in a cart for 2 hours does not make grocery shopping any easier. So of course I"m trying to focus on getting things organized enough so that I can just whisk through the store.


Found out today that the dates that I had for Alex coming home were wrong. So hopefully he'll be coming home soon. At least either way, that's the way it will be. 


And I seriously need to finish this baby blanket for Harper so I can start on Alex's Christmas present! I'm so happy that Alex will be here this year for Colin's birthday, Christmas and nearly the whole winter! It will be a nice change for sure, especially because I can't do all the fun things with Colin. I'm so excited that Alex gets to do those thing with him this year... Sledding, making a snowman, snow angels, snow balls (which we've already done) and so much more!! We'll even get to decorate the tree together!!


Which, if everything works out, Colin's God-mother will be here when we decorate the tree!! She has some paid time off that she needs to take and we're hoping she can make it up here to see Colin and to see Alex before he deploys. It will be so nice to have someone visit us!! We haven't had anyone visit us in nearly two years and those were my parents. 


We always put the tree up on December 3rd. On December 3, 1999 my Granddad passed from a fight with cancer. Started in his lungs and spread. I came home from the 5th grade to my mom being home. Seeing as she was never home when I got home, I knew something was going on but I was figuring it was more like surprise. Needless to say, she met me outside in the driveway and told me there that my Granddad had passed away. To help take our minds off of it she decided to make some hot chocolate, put on some Manheim Steamroller and we started decorating the house for Christmas. Each year since we have decorated our Christmas tree on the same day. I took that tradition with me when Alex and I got married. Our first Christmas tree was put up 6 days after returning from the hospital with Colin. Last year I wasn't home because I was visiting my parents in Florida, but of course we put up the tree that day and this year Alex, Colin and I will get to put up our family tree again.


Oh the things to look forward to. :)

The JRTC Blues

Bare with me as I get the hang of writing everything out again. Thank you! 


As most of you know, Alex recently returned from Afghanistan. Although when I say recently, I mean in late February. Well since then we have PCS'd to Fort Carson, CO from Fort Drum, NY and bought a house! Not to mention the small detail that we're expecting a little girl in February 2012. Along with expecting a new child in the New Year we're also expecting yet another deployment.

Alex left this morning for JRTC and while I am upset about it, it still hasn't hit me. We have hit a few rough patches with dealing with a deployment so soon after returning. Especially due to the fact that he is still hurting and people refuse to give him the help he needs. I imagine that at the end of the day, when it starts to get dark outside and Alex still hasn't gotten home, I'll feel like he's gone for a month. 


Dealing with the emotional part of PTSD on the family has been hard. I've been trying to help out as much as I can, but a majority of the time there is no helping it and I just have to wait until he makes the realization that things aren't adding up right in his head. I am not willing to go into detail about two of our most recent times that PTSD has taken over our family more than normal, but it was bad and I do not wish that on anyone. 


As I sit here thinking of what to do with Colin for the next month I realize that I am not ready for another deployment so soon. I mean geeze, Alex will have been home for a few weeks over a year by the time he leaves again. Not to mention that this time I will be at home with a 2 year old and a newborn. Our daughter was planned, but we figured that since I got pregnant only months after Alex returning that he wouldn't be deploying for at least 18 months. At least that was the time period in between his first deployment and second deployment. Wishful thinking I guess.


Also, since I last posted Alex has sought help for his PTSD. While doing that multiple people have mentioned him possibly having multiple TBIs. I can't help but snicker. Alex had been complaining of headaches and not being able to think straight for a while during deployment. One of the medics told my husband that it's just 'Warrior's Fog". Funny, but that's what they used to call PTSD. They refused to send him to Germany to get any type of testing done during the deployment. So when he got home we started trying to get him into the doctor. The first lady that saw him at Fort Drum told him that he most likely has PTSD and multiple TBIs and gave him a referral to the TBI clinic. Alex showed up one day to get an appointment and he was told that because he was in he process of clearing post, he couldn't be seen. We then get to Fort Carson and while going through in-processing they tell him that he has at least three TBIs and PTSD and send him to Mental Health. He goes through an appointment where he spills everything that he's been going through (which if you know any man, you know that that is the hardest thing for them to do). After everything that he went through they assigned him to Anger Management and told him that he has neither PTSD nor TBI. 


It's hard when your husband tells you that he has no idea where to go and that he needs help getting help for himself. A soldier, or any other person, should never have to feel like they can't get any help. 


I guess that's all I have for now. I need to start dinner for Colin and I and start cleaning a little bit more.

As of last night I was really excited for today. It was going to be my last free day without anything going on before a week and a half of at least one thing to do each day. I am purposely making myself a million and two plans for each day because I need time to pass a little more quickly than it has.

This morning started off alright. Colin and I didn't wake up until 10:30am and he didn't pee or poop through his diaper. Which is a big deal for Colin! Made a yummy breakfast and then shortly after we had lunch. Colin went down for a nap which didn't last too long, but long enough for me to get a few things done. He woke up and we had a few dance parties.

I spent the day going out to shovel the driveway and walkway a few different times because of the excessive ice from the snow drifts on my roof. But really had no luck. One time I went outside to do it I saw my neighbor and asked her if I could bring Colin up there sometime tonight. Of course she was fine with it.

I made Colin some dinner of bowtie pasta and vodka sauce. He LOVED it. He ate it all, even my portion. We then sat on the couch and shared a bowl of vanilla ice cream, which was nice and relaxing. Might have to be something we do every night to wind things down, sharing a dessert is nice. I got Colin bathed and in his jammies and went to walk upstairs to my neighbors to see that she hadn't made it home yet. So I took Colin home and put him in bed. I sat down to play some Rockband Country and eventually heard my neighbor come home. Then heard that Colin still hadn't gone to sleep.

I got Colin and I dressed up and headed out the door. We were met with their smiling faces which is always a great site! Colin immediately wanted into my neighbor's arms, like always. But something always tells me he's looking for Mr. David.

You see, Mr. David died from a heart attack which he had at PT one morning in January. He was hospitalized for a few days in a coma with fluid on his brain, but one day he just left. I can't think of any way to say that.

I don't know how else to describe Mr. David other than a saint. He, his wife and their daughter were always willing to help anyone out. Mr. David even helped Alex out when he first got our house. He was amazing with Colin and I know Colin misses him. He did amazing things for the community, his church and the Army.

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