Oh the things you think about at the end of deployment...

We are getting ready to end month 10 and start month 11 of this deployment. Sounds exciting, huh? Technically we only have a few big things to count down to until Alex comes home... Like New Year, Alex's birthday, and Valentines' Day.

Don't get me wrong, I'm truly excited about that... But now I've started the scared the part. I'm beyond excited to be going back to Fort Drum and to start getting myself and Colin ready for Alex to come home, but I'm beginning to go through all of the 'what-ifs' in my head. This is when I wish that Alex were already home (or able to speak to me more) to make me calm down and remind me that thinking about all of the what-ifs gets you nowhere fast!

I am excited to clean. Imagine that, Erika excited to clean. Yep! And you haven't seen the wreck my house is right now... But I'm excited to put Colin in daycare for a few hours a week and get tons of things done that I normally wouldn't.

You see, I love to play with Colin when we're home. I love laying on the ground and playing with him and his toys until the two of us are exhausted! Honestly! Which then leads to many chores being neglected.

I am excited to make sure that all of Alex's clothes are out of storage and ready for him! Yes, I did box up some of his things while he was gone (it's not bad)! Lord knows he won't be wearing his jacket from Buckle while he's deployed to Afghanistan and I needed room in the coat closet, so I just put it in the laundry room for a year. :)

What I'm not looking forward to is the uneasy-ness of it all. I know Alex is hurting from this deployment. No one can say that their husband or wife comes home from their deployment with nothing burdening them. Alex has seen more this deployment and it has hurt him in so many different ways compared to when he was single and without a son of his own.

I'm not looking forward to the fact that I am going to have to have even more patience. (Yes I understand that having a child takes patience, but teaching a father how to care for his 15 month old son takes even more). Those who know me know that I don't have too much patience most of the time, unless I want. Which I want to, don't get me wrong. I'm just going to have to keep reminding myself that Alex hasn't been here for the past 12 months. He doesn't know that Colin can't stand in the bath or that we're starting potty training soon... He doesn't know that Colin can fall and bump his head and still be alright.

I am beyond excited to have Alex home again, I just need to take some time for myself before he comes home so that I can destress.

Holy cow! It's been a long time since I have last blogged. A friend told me today that she loved to hear what I had to say in my blog, so I guess I'll start back up again. If not for people to read, but just to simply journal. I feel I need this output more than ever.

Deployment is almost over. We're looking at an early spring arrival and I couldn't be more happy. However I can't help but be kinda upset at the same time. You see, my husband deployed on the TORCH flight. This means that the guys he left with and the guys from the advanced flight were there ONE MONTH before everyone else. But it just so happens that the guys from the Torch flight aren't getting to come home with the Advanced flight. And while I'm really happy that some of my closet friends get to see their husbands at the same time, I can't help but be a little bitter that right after my husband left, the guys that were still stateside got leave. And I'm not just talking about getting off from work early a few days, I'm talking about days off. Long weekends. I envied them and attempted to avoid them. I know, it's bitter... I feel shameful about it, but I know that if their husbands worked for hours upon hours with no days off (except for the "three day weekend" they were given the weekend they deployed... which didn't count because they deployed EARLY Sunday morning) they would feel the same way I feel. Of course I'm excited. I actually get to celebrate with so many more of my friends on the same night than I thought, and that makes me happy. (I hope no one gets mad at me about this)

The past month of two have been filled with many missions. Most lasting too long to count. We'll go weeks without hearing from Alex. Right now we're on day 3 (which isn't as long as it's been) without hearing from him. Alex finally got to see Colin on the webcam for the first time in MONTHS and I think he was about to cry.

You see, like I said before, Colin was 3 months old when Alex left. Alex came home for R&R in late August and Colin was 9 months. Now Colin is nearly 13 months old. Colin runs, laughs, tickles, talks, and eats like a big boy! Alex finally got to see all of that on the webcam the other day. Colin even called him Dada!! :)

Right now Colin and I are vacationing in Florida with my parents. We have already been here for 2 weeks and will be home for 2 more weeks before we head back. As soon as we get back we will start DEEP CLEANING the house!!! It won't be long before Alex and the guys are back and I'm beyond excited!!!

I know that this was random, but I enjoyed writing about this in the fragments that I have. I hope I remember to write tomorrow, and I hope i have something good and witty to say because today was NOT my day for that!

:)

Attached are some photos from our family shoot in August.

Finally a time to breathe

I believe that Alex agrees that maybe reenlisting would be the best for us right now. Especially with the job market and so on. I am feeling a little relieved that this has been brought up and will be dealt with soon. He's thinking about reclassing and doing something different, but we'll see how everything goes with that.

I haven't started anything for Colin's birthday party. I don't even have a date for it because we were going to do it when Alex was home on R&R... But we won't exactly know about dates until that's closer... So until then, we'll start to make things and hope for the best. lol

I miss Alex, and that's pretty simple. I'm sure a lot of you know the feeling... You feel helpless and your arms feel so empty. You grab up your child and while you love that feeling, it's just not the same. Colin fell asleep on my mom and I tonight as we were playing with him... Before he was put to bed, the sheets needed to be changed because he bottle had spilled during nap time. So I grabbed Colin and put him on my chest. As I breathed, I realized how heavy he was and that pretty soon I wasn't going to be able to do that anymore. That broke my heart. Colin was so comfortable and at peace. I absolutely loved it, but at the same time... It wasn't Alex. I cannot wait to be at the airport with signs and everything, waiting for him to show up! :)

Really getting out of the Army... GAH!

Yep, I'm scared. I figured getting to Florida would help me settle down because I would be able to help out and look around for jobs and housing. There is NOTHING you can do more than a year out. And I feel so helpless. I realized that I have no idea where we'll be in a little under a year.

Alex wants to enroll in school, but that means that he needs to take his SATs so he won't be able to attend right away. He still needs to find a job and we still need to find a house. I guess there's really not too much to say about it, but I don't like this feeling. I feel like we need the Army for a few more years so that we can save more! We understand what we needed to cut down on and need the time to replenish money that we have used. UGH!

It's been a while...

Holy cow, Batman!! I can't believe that it's been this long since I last blogged. Sorry I've been neglecting this! Believe me, there have been many times where I should have blogged but just haven't. I feel like I lost my urge to write for a little... but maybe a little break is what I needed... Hummm....

Well Colin got his top two, front teeth in a few days ago!! He'll be 7 months old tomorrow... I turned 21 June 9th... Have been making a TON of plans... Found out one of my best friends is pregnant!! Alex got switched around within his company (nothing major)... Colin LOVES to swim... Had our first ER visit... Uuuuhhhhmmmm.... I'm not sure what else... Do ask about any of these, I just have no momentum to write about them!! hahaha

SKYPE is my new best friend!

Alex had made a promise yesterday that he was going to call today. At 12:45pm I was on the phone with the phone replacement people and had to take out my battery... So when 3pm came along, I thought for sure that I had missed that call once again. I had just laid Colin down for his nap when I went to lay down on the couch and put my feet up when I heard my Facebook chat go off. So I laid there for about 20 seconds before I decided that I should get up and see if it's Alex.

It was! We spent the next 10 minutes trying to get Facebook chat to work... Until I got the bright idea that Alex was probably on Yahoo! So I logged on and of course, he was on. I asked him if he wanted to see Colin. That's when he told me that he finally got a Skype account. We quickly added each other and started a video chat.

Alex got to see Colin do so many different things!! Colin was playing on the keyboard of my Mac, then Alex made Colin laugh and smile, then I put Colin in his exersaucer and Alex got to see him in there, and then I put Colin on the ground and that's when Colin got up on his hands and knees. I'm pretty sure Alex was amazed! I'm so happy that Alex got to see Colin do all these things, but most of all I'm happy that Colin got to see Alex.

At some point I started becoming afraid that Colin was going to think that Da-da is only a doll and pictures. Now that he actually saw that Da-da is a moving person, I think that will help a little more. Of course we have the video clips of Alex playing with Colin and of Alex reading, but Alex was actually playing with Colin! Ahhh!!!

But of course with seeing Alex on the webcam for the first time in almost 3 months... I got a little homesick. I was sitting in the middle of our living room and felt completely homesick! While talking to Alex on the webcam was amazing, it felt like he was here with us. Then he had to go and it was like he just disappeared. Of course I'm sure that I'll get used to it, but still. I took a nap and woke up feeling kinda bad.

God bless him. I'm pretty sure he was almost going to start crying half way through the conversation and a few times on top of that. He looks amazing, though!!

Oh The Things I Miss

I feel so selfish. I just want to hear his voice or feel his touch. Our bed is too big. The couch is too big. I miss just laying on the couch, watching movies on lazy Sundays. Making macaroni and cheese on cold days, and making sure to put out the hot sauce. Or having meals at our dining room table. I miss looking forward to him walking through the door each day; morning, noon, and night. I still can't put Colin to bed quite like he can. I miss his simplicity... Holding conversations with him while he sleeps. Fighting over whether we should have covers on at night or not... Or which way we should take our walk for the day. I miss walking with him... Not feeling rushed to talk before we have to hang up. I forget the way his jaw moves when he talks. The way he winks, just to let me know he loves me. I miss him waking up with Colin. The way he would calm me down in the second... Just one touch and my world would come back together. Downloading movies and talking about how lame they were. Loading the dishwasher, but not having to unload it.

I go outside to our backyard sometimes... I have no reason to, but it's what we used to do while he smoked. We'd just stand there and talked. Even when it was snowing and neither of us had coats on. We just talked. I hate that I have to rely on my teddy bear to keep me company at night, but I'm thankful that I have someone to miss. That's the reason why I feel so selfish. I am blessed to share so many memories with him. I am blessed that he is true. He is a perfect father, husband, and best friend.

May 6th

Oh so many things are happening!!

Today Colin's second bottom tooth started to come through! I can't wait for it to pop thru so that we stop having these random fits. Yes, I know it will only get worse... But it seems that right after he cuts a tooth he goes right back to being my sweet, calm little boy! So I'm hoping for the same when he finally cuts this tooth.

Colin also made friends with an old man in the middle of this second hand store we were at. The man was hobbling up the stairs so Ashley, Colin, and I stayed back to allow him enough room to make it up without rushing him. When he got up the stairs and went to pass Colin and I, Colin flashed him one of his heartbreaking smiles. The old man just bursted out talking to Colin. It was absolutely adorable! I love people that are open enough to talk to a baby. And he was a sweet man, too. So that helped a lot.

I took Colin outside this evening to see the little birds that came out to the bird feeder that we have in the back. There were all these birds just flying around us. Colin was absolutely obsessed with them! I couldn't believe how close they were coming to us, it's absolutely unreal!

So I went back to cleaning tonight. While I took a break in my bedroom, I picked up Colin and brought him in there with me. I laid him on his belly for tummy time while I watched a little bit of TV. After 5 minutes I grabbed a pillow that has a picture of him and Alex. I put the pillow in front of him to see if he would acknowledge it. Sure enough he did. He got really excited to see his daddy. He was laughing and screaming and kicking his legs. After I made the pillow 'dance' Colin managed to get one leg underneath him at a time and managed to scoot towards the pillow! 1. I think he knows a little bit of who his dad is. 2. He's starting to CRAWL!

Then after talking to my mom and Gary about all of this, I decided to put Colin into his bed at exactly 9pm. I normally wait until he falls asleep on his own, but wanted to try this out. He was asleep by 9:15pm. It is now 10:44pm and I am going to brush my teeth and go crawl into bed... Maybe write a letter to Alex. :D I'm so happy!!

The dreaded conversation

That's right, we talked about reenlistment. It's really the last thing either of us really want to do, but it's ultimately what we need to do for our family. We need to get rid of our debt before we get out and build our credit.

While our conversation wasn't pleasant, I needed to talk about it. I needed to get it all off of my chest. While I talk about it every once in a while, I have never gone in such depth about my feeling about it.

I think being so far away from each other and talking about it really helped. It forced us to talk out every issue about reenlistment. But of course with how long our conversation lasted, we didn't get into details... He said that he was going to look into everything before he goes into work today.

I hate that I had to say it, but it's part of the reason why I don't go to sleep at night. I'm worried about what we're going to do when he does get out, the amount of debt we'll have, we won't be able to have another kid for 6 or 7 years, we will only have one car... yada yada yada.

Unfortunately, I know that this is not what Alex had in mind. He did know that I've been stressing out about it. I told him to think about it, but he said that there's not much to think about. So then I asked him to think about what's best for our family. I believe that he did agree that it would be better for our family. I just hope this doesn't come to bite us in the butt. Either way we could get bit in the butt.

Sweet Dreams

Okay, so this website is amazing! All you do is fill out the application and upload a picture of good quality. Then they send you the pillow. They request that you send them money back for shipping and handling, but you don't have to... Although I would be nice.

Pictured above is the pillow that helps me sleep so much better at night. Granted you're supposed to give the pillow to your child, but Colin already has so many Daddy Dolls. While it doesn't take his place in the bed (that's where I lay), it still helps me sleep a little better at night.

Birthday Blues

My birthday is almost here. This will be my second birthday spent away from Alex, although this time I'm where he was. It's like a never ending circle! I will be home in Florida with a bunch of my old friends and of course Alex is worrying. I can't say I blame him, I just wish that there was a way to ease his worrying.

You see, it's my 21st birthday. While I'm not a huge drinker, he's afraid that something might happen on my birthday. He knows that my brother, Nate, will be there... But he's still worried. His biggest fear is that someone will do something to me... May that be intentional or not. Now I know that there is nothing that I can do to keep him from thinking that something might happen, but I just wish I could help.

As for my birthday, I don't have really any plans since it's on a Wednesday. I'm thinking about going out to dinner with family and then doing whatever afterwards. While I want it to include my friends that are underage, I want to go out to the Ale House, but I don't. Obviously I'm not planning on getting completely wasted because I'm pretty sure my mom wouldn't appreciate that. That and I'm not sure she would like getting up with Colin whenever he wakes up.

For Alex's birthday this year, I got sick. Apparently I ate too much cake batter. (I made a homemade cake and it rocked!) But before I got sick, I tried to celebrate his birthday as best as we could. I made a photo album for Alex from Colin. He now has it with him in Afghanistan. I also got a few random things, such as a book (that I'm now sending Alex) and a piece of wall art. I'm pretty sure he was completely blown out of the water by how we celebrated his birthday. While we didn't go out to eat, like I wanted... We still had a blast at home. And I wouldn't have had it any other way. I just wish that we could do the same for my birthday.

Maybe for my birthday, my mom. Colin, and myself will walk the beach and pick up some sea shells. I wouldn't mind that. Then dinner and then whatever. Even if it were just Livingstons. I just want to have fun, but hope that Alex doesn't get to worrying too much. Although I'm pretty sure that even if I were to just sit at home, Alex would be worrying. ;) Gotta love him!

Man, I'm getting lonely

I went for almost 2 months and never felt this way. Now it's all starting to hit me. I yearn to just lay on the couch with Alex and cuddle all day long, just watching silly movies that come on TV. Doesn't matter if we like them or not. But that will have to wait another 5 months or more. Sucks.

I have been sitting inside a lot, recently. It's because Colin has been sick, but still. When you sit inside by yourself and watch movies, you feel depressed more than excited to do so. Everyone always tells me to take some 'me' time. However, my 'me' time would consist of hanging out with whoever would be watching Colin for me. lol I don't like being alone right now. Although, technically I'm never alone because I always have Colin with me.

Boo on being lonely! Boo on deployments! Yay for going home to Florida soon!

Gotta love my husband...

Last night when we were talking on the lovely Facebook Chat, he asked why I hadn't been taking very many pictures of myself. I referred back to a comment he made a week ago about my weight. He told me, "Someone's gaining weight." At first I thought he was referring to Colin, until I asked, "Me?" hoping that he would say no. lol Boy, was I wrong or what? So when he asked when he was going to get some pictures of me I told him, "I didn't think you'd want pictures of a heifer." haha Being called a heifer is another story in itself... See below.

When I brought up his comment on my weight, he felt horrible. He told me that he had sent a letter in the mail, apologizing for telling me I was gaining weight. He continued to tell me that he would love me either way. I told him that it wasn't that I didn't think he was going to stop loving me, it just made me feel unattractive.

So of course, when my husband is trying to be sweet and apologize in a way that he knows I will really appreciate it..... the snail mail is going REALLY slow! lol


Heifer Story
Alex and I were messing around in the kitchen one day and I was eating a crap ton of anything in sight. This day was when Alex's new kevlar knuckled gloves came in the mail.... He called me a heifer so I put on the kevlar gloves and chased him around the house yelling, "Who's the heifer now?!"

Man, I miss days like that. Nothing like beating the living crap out of your husband.... jk!

Questions people should never ask the spouse of a deployed soldier...

As taken from Married to the Army's blog:

I have been through a few deployments myself and I'm always amazed by some of the comments received. Through our time in the Army, I've heard quite a few and heard many more that have been relayed to me by other Army wives. So I decided to develop the top ten things you should never say to someone who has a soldier deployed. Ready?

1. I don't know how you do it.

Well, guess what? In all honesty, I don't know how I do it either. I just do. Because really, what other choice do I have?

2. I could never deal with it if my husband was gone for that long.

Hmmm...how does hearing how someone else can't deal with it help me to deal with it?

3. Are you scared that something may happen to him while he's there?

This one has always really perplexed me. Of course, I'm scared. I wouldn't be human if I wasn't. But being reminded of the fact that something may happen to him doesn't help me out.

4. Do you miss him?

Every time I was asked this, I just wanted to respond "Oh, no, definitely not. I like it when he's gone. It gives me the chance to be all by myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Who wouldn't want that?" Of course, I miss him. Wouldn't you miss your husband?

5. I know just how you feel. My husband was on a business trip last month for three days and I just thought I would die.

Are you kidding me? First, I barely notice now if my husband is only gone for three days. Second, unless his business trip was to a place where everyone is openly carrying a gun in the street trying to kill him and suicide bombers and roadside bombs are prevalent, its not remotely close to being the same. The only thing I may give you on this one is that you know what it's like to sleep in an empty bed.

6. Do you worry about him cheating on you? Or along the same lines...How can you go without sex for so long?

Well, people, it is a little thing called self control. That and a love for my husband and respect for my marriage. Do some people cheat? Sure they do - both here in the states and overseas. But people cheat in civilian marriages too. Being in the military has no bearing on that.

7. How can you sleep at night knowing your husband is a murderer? Won't you be afraid when he comes home?

This one sets me off more than any other. No soldier is a murderer. Have they had to kill someone? Quite possibly. But there are a great many soldiers who never have. It's not something they talk about in daily conversation. Regardless of what they do overseas, it does not make them a murderer. They are in a war zone and following orders. I have never once even had an inkling that I should be afraid of my husband because he is a soldier.

8. I'm so sorry your husband had to be deployed. Don't you just hate President Bush?

My husband joined the military of his own free will AFTER 9/11 knowing full well that he would probably be deployed. The President may be the one running the show, but both my husband and I knew what we were getting into when he joined. I'm proud of him and his accomplishments. And I don't discuss politics or religion with anyone. :-)

9. If you truly supported your husband, you would be protesting so..he wouldn't have to deploy again/could be brought home/the war would end.

Really? My definition of support must be much different than the definition of support by these people. Supporting my husband means supporting him in what he does and what he believes in. It does not mean disrespecting the men and women who volunteered to defend our country and our rights. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have the right to protest in the first place. I'm certainly not putting myself in a position where it could be construed as anything other than 100% support for our troops and their families.

10. I can't believe your husband did this to you. Aren't you mad at him?

Um, what?! My husband didn't do anything to me. He honors his agreements and he follows the orders of his superiors. There's certainly nothing sad or maddening about having a husband who fulfills his commitments. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm proud of my husband and I completely support him.

Cleeaaaning.

I'm procrastinating horribly! But so far, my house is looking so much better than what it did before! I moved a new piece of furniture into our dining room and kinda made it into my craft room... It's cramped, but I need it for all of my crafting stuff.
I am having a Mary Kay party tomorrow and am planning on being away from home for a majority of the day.

On top of cleaning, I'm starting to explore what I can do if Alex seriously does get out of the Army. I figure I can't really get too much done until Colin turns 3 and we can enroll him in daycare. I'm hoping we get him potty trained fast! Maybe I'll start babysitting for a while when I get home.... I can even put a list online for being a pet sitter... There are possibilities...

Right before I left for college, I decided that I wanted to join the PD or FD. Well now things have changed drastically. I have a beautiful family now... However, I wouldn't mind following up with that eventually. While it won't be possibly until Colin is in daycare, I could still take a few courses online and get prepared physically.

Meh.

And that is that!

After contemplating a move home, I've decided that I can do this. It will only better me to stay here, in the long run. I can make it through anything that I'm put through. This deployment included. I am a strong wife and mother. I should not uproot my family when in a years time we'll be doing it again.
However, I cannot wait to get home to Florida. I miss my sunny Florida and the family that we have there.

Colin's First Flight!

Okay, I think I have enough patience to sit down and write about our eventful week.

Our day started out by heading to Walmart to get an easy to push, travel stroller. I buy the stroller and I have to assemble it. I figured I could do it in the parking lot and then head on our way to Syracuse. But noooooo. I needed scissors. So I brought it back into Walmart to see if someone could assemble it for me, but they refused to. Apparently I don't look like I need help while lugging around a car seat and a partially assembled stroller. So I head back home, get frustrated with the stroller, think about how much easier it would be if Alex were home, get my woman strength back up, assemble the stroller, and leave!

We arrived at the airport with plenty of time to spare. Of course I did this on purpose! Despite how long it took me to assemble a stinkin' stroller! I have never traveled with Colin in an airport, so I follow what a woman in front of me was doing. She took her child out of the stroller and her husband folded up the stroller. I got all of my things up on the conveyor belt, got Colin out, and was wheeling the stroller up when I told the guy that was feeding my bag through the machine, that I had liquid in there. Then he changes with another guy and doesn't tell the guy. He tells me what I need to fold the stroller. I told him if he wanted that to happen, he needed to find someone to help me. A nice TSA worker helped me with that. Then the same rude guy yelled at me for having a hoodie on and then to add, when my bag with the liquid (water to make bottles) went through the machine, he yelled again. UGH!

This was Colin's first flight. I was completely terrified after hearing all of these horror stories of children screaming the entire duration of the flight. Colin was a perfect baby! I couldn't believe it! He slept right through the first flight and then slept a majority of the second flight!

I had so many businessmen helping me out!! I was so happy that they didn't stick their noses up at me for traveling with an infant that 'could scream the entire flight'

Just an update...

Things have been strained lately. I have heard from Alex in almost a week, which is not normal for Alex. However, what I've heard from other wives is that they've been told by their husbands that my husband has been very busy. I got so lonely last night that I decided to listen to all of the voicemails that he has ever left me. They are so sweet... Especially when we were dating or when he knew he had done something wrong... It may sound weird, but I miss our little fights. So many different things have gone on in the past week that I haven't been able to tell him about. Some things are great and some things I just wanted to vent about. I miss talking to him.

However, I do have some of the greatest friends! I haven't ever had so many people willing to help me out or simply want to hang out. I have a feeling that I'm going to watch very many movies that I wouldn't normally watch. But so far, they've all been great. For the past week I've watched at least one movie every night, if not more.

On Monday I leave for NC for a week to visit my sisters and all of my old college friends! It will be a much needed week away from here. Hopefully it will help me take my mind off of things. I think I just need to relax a little. Plus, all of my friends get to meet baby Colin! Who is turning out to not be a baby anymore!

I understand that Colin is not even 5 months old yet... But he definitely sits by himself for short periods of time. Alright, where did my little boy go? I think he's growing up too fast! On top of that, he's been doing these huge belly laughs for a while now. For a little bit I couldn't get him to do them for me on command, but now all I have to do is play with him and he's all about the giggles!

As for this flight that's coming up on Monday, I'm not exactly looking forward to it... But I am thankful for it to not be a car ride. I was planning on driving the whole way until Amanda's mom and dad got Colin and I a plane ticket to fly there. I'm really excited to not have to drive the 12 hours or so (not including stops) but I'm not excited about having to bring all of his formula and stuff. Ugh! I guess it's easier than driving! :)

I have almost gave up on waiting for Alex to call. I still cling to my computer and phone from 12-3pm, which is the time he used to call all the time. I am happy that he got to talk to Colin before he stopped calling. That's the one thing I'm happy about! :)

Easter!! Woke up to a bad day

Here's an Easter picture or two!!

I don't even know where to begin... I'm still heartbroken from waking up.

I had set my alarm for 7am, but hit dismiss and went to bed until 8:05am and was supposed to leave for church at 9:30... But get a shower and everything in before we left (we being my neighbors and myself) So some how I manage to take a shower, get myself and Colin ready, and take care of the dog that I'm watching. Get out at 9:30am and my neighbors are missing. They don't answer their door or anything. So I sit outside for a while and then decide to go inside. Right as I am, I hear their garage door opening and them walking down the stairs. So We finally get to church. It was a good service. Really lively... But a good service. But before I got to church, I backed into my garage. I have a dent in the door. I'm livid.

After that, we get back from church and I find that an air freshener was knocked over by Atty. I go to wipe it up, and notice that the finish from the table is eaten off of it. So I need to call the place to see if the insurance I bought covers that!

I didn't get half the crap done that I wanted to before people showed up, but it didn't matter... People were coming anyway!

Alex called, which my day... In the middle of the conversation he said he had to go and would call me when he was done working. So we got off the phone, but immediately after we did he called me back. I noticed that I was being rude and asked Alex if I could get off the phone so I wasn't being. He said that it was fine, but of course that wasn't the deal.

After everyone left I got on Facebook and saw that he had written me a message telling me he was hurt and that all he wanted to do was talk to me. I felt horrible. I had promised myself that I would never do that. I have all the time in the world to live life here, but I only have a couple minutes to talk to Alex.

So I lay down because I'm not feeling well and neither is Colin. I woke up at one point because Colin was hungry and was crying. I immediately went to bed after I fed him. I woke up from having a dream about Alex and I fighting. It was definitely what we would do and how I would react. It felt so real... So now I'm awake again after sleeping for 2 hours... it's only 11pm... But still. This is going to be a long night until Alex calls me again.

Our first missed holiday...

I started getting a few things (food wise) ready for everyone to get together for Easter. As I continued to put the chocolate in all of the molds, I dreaded doing the next mold because I knew that Alex wasn't going to be there to enjoy is all with us.

Yes, I knew this was going to happen. This all was inevitable. I agree. However I never wanted to actually come to this realization.

Colin and I are going with our upstairs neighbors, Elizabeth and Rachel, to their church for Easter service. I'm excited, but would much rather Alex be there with us. I know he'd hate to be in a church, but I believe that he would enjoy watching his little man have a blast during his first Easter.

So you best believe that the camcorder will be attached to my hand as Colin and I go on the prowl for his first egg hunt. I want Alex to witness it just as though he were there with us.

Even though with all of these preparations and everything to make sure that Alex sees everything that I see... I don't want him to see it through a camera lens. How retarded is that? Stupid war.