Sweet Dreams

Okay, so this website is amazing! All you do is fill out the application and upload a picture of good quality. Then they send you the pillow. They request that you send them money back for shipping and handling, but you don't have to... Although I would be nice.

Pictured above is the pillow that helps me sleep so much better at night. Granted you're supposed to give the pillow to your child, but Colin already has so many Daddy Dolls. While it doesn't take his place in the bed (that's where I lay), it still helps me sleep a little better at night.

Birthday Blues

My birthday is almost here. This will be my second birthday spent away from Alex, although this time I'm where he was. It's like a never ending circle! I will be home in Florida with a bunch of my old friends and of course Alex is worrying. I can't say I blame him, I just wish that there was a way to ease his worrying.

You see, it's my 21st birthday. While I'm not a huge drinker, he's afraid that something might happen on my birthday. He knows that my brother, Nate, will be there... But he's still worried. His biggest fear is that someone will do something to me... May that be intentional or not. Now I know that there is nothing that I can do to keep him from thinking that something might happen, but I just wish I could help.

As for my birthday, I don't have really any plans since it's on a Wednesday. I'm thinking about going out to dinner with family and then doing whatever afterwards. While I want it to include my friends that are underage, I want to go out to the Ale House, but I don't. Obviously I'm not planning on getting completely wasted because I'm pretty sure my mom wouldn't appreciate that. That and I'm not sure she would like getting up with Colin whenever he wakes up.

For Alex's birthday this year, I got sick. Apparently I ate too much cake batter. (I made a homemade cake and it rocked!) But before I got sick, I tried to celebrate his birthday as best as we could. I made a photo album for Alex from Colin. He now has it with him in Afghanistan. I also got a few random things, such as a book (that I'm now sending Alex) and a piece of wall art. I'm pretty sure he was completely blown out of the water by how we celebrated his birthday. While we didn't go out to eat, like I wanted... We still had a blast at home. And I wouldn't have had it any other way. I just wish that we could do the same for my birthday.

Maybe for my birthday, my mom. Colin, and myself will walk the beach and pick up some sea shells. I wouldn't mind that. Then dinner and then whatever. Even if it were just Livingstons. I just want to have fun, but hope that Alex doesn't get to worrying too much. Although I'm pretty sure that even if I were to just sit at home, Alex would be worrying. ;) Gotta love him!

Censoring my husband?!

I got a message via Facebook from a girl I went to college with. She apparently viewed my husband's Facebook and saw how he didn't like Obama. She asked me to tell him to take it down.... Uhhhmmmmm.... No.

Man, I'm getting lonely

I went for almost 2 months and never felt this way. Now it's all starting to hit me. I yearn to just lay on the couch with Alex and cuddle all day long, just watching silly movies that come on TV. Doesn't matter if we like them or not. But that will have to wait another 5 months or more. Sucks.

I have been sitting inside a lot, recently. It's because Colin has been sick, but still. When you sit inside by yourself and watch movies, you feel depressed more than excited to do so. Everyone always tells me to take some 'me' time. However, my 'me' time would consist of hanging out with whoever would be watching Colin for me. lol I don't like being alone right now. Although, technically I'm never alone because I always have Colin with me.

Boo on being lonely! Boo on deployments! Yay for going home to Florida soon!

Gotta love my husband...

Last night when we were talking on the lovely Facebook Chat, he asked why I hadn't been taking very many pictures of myself. I referred back to a comment he made a week ago about my weight. He told me, "Someone's gaining weight." At first I thought he was referring to Colin, until I asked, "Me?" hoping that he would say no. lol Boy, was I wrong or what? So when he asked when he was going to get some pictures of me I told him, "I didn't think you'd want pictures of a heifer." haha Being called a heifer is another story in itself... See below.

When I brought up his comment on my weight, he felt horrible. He told me that he had sent a letter in the mail, apologizing for telling me I was gaining weight. He continued to tell me that he would love me either way. I told him that it wasn't that I didn't think he was going to stop loving me, it just made me feel unattractive.

So of course, when my husband is trying to be sweet and apologize in a way that he knows I will really appreciate it..... the snail mail is going REALLY slow! lol


Heifer Story
Alex and I were messing around in the kitchen one day and I was eating a crap ton of anything in sight. This day was when Alex's new kevlar knuckled gloves came in the mail.... He called me a heifer so I put on the kevlar gloves and chased him around the house yelling, "Who's the heifer now?!"

Man, I miss days like that. Nothing like beating the living crap out of your husband.... jk!

A sigh of relief...

So in the midst of everything going on, I decided to give up my position as FRG leader. While I was more than happy to do it and very excited for the position... I realized that I did not have the adequate amount of time to dedicate to the position and the wives. So I stepped down. Thankfully I have amazing friends that are understanding and respectful! I wouldn't trade any of them!! So thank you!!

Questions people should never ask the spouse of a deployed soldier...

As taken from Married to the Army's blog:

I have been through a few deployments myself and I'm always amazed by some of the comments received. Through our time in the Army, I've heard quite a few and heard many more that have been relayed to me by other Army wives. So I decided to develop the top ten things you should never say to someone who has a soldier deployed. Ready?

1. I don't know how you do it.

Well, guess what? In all honesty, I don't know how I do it either. I just do. Because really, what other choice do I have?

2. I could never deal with it if my husband was gone for that long.

Hmmm...how does hearing how someone else can't deal with it help me to deal with it?

3. Are you scared that something may happen to him while he's there?

This one has always really perplexed me. Of course, I'm scared. I wouldn't be human if I wasn't. But being reminded of the fact that something may happen to him doesn't help me out.

4. Do you miss him?

Every time I was asked this, I just wanted to respond "Oh, no, definitely not. I like it when he's gone. It gives me the chance to be all by myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Who wouldn't want that?" Of course, I miss him. Wouldn't you miss your husband?

5. I know just how you feel. My husband was on a business trip last month for three days and I just thought I would die.

Are you kidding me? First, I barely notice now if my husband is only gone for three days. Second, unless his business trip was to a place where everyone is openly carrying a gun in the street trying to kill him and suicide bombers and roadside bombs are prevalent, its not remotely close to being the same. The only thing I may give you on this one is that you know what it's like to sleep in an empty bed.

6. Do you worry about him cheating on you? Or along the same lines...How can you go without sex for so long?

Well, people, it is a little thing called self control. That and a love for my husband and respect for my marriage. Do some people cheat? Sure they do - both here in the states and overseas. But people cheat in civilian marriages too. Being in the military has no bearing on that.

7. How can you sleep at night knowing your husband is a murderer? Won't you be afraid when he comes home?

This one sets me off more than any other. No soldier is a murderer. Have they had to kill someone? Quite possibly. But there are a great many soldiers who never have. It's not something they talk about in daily conversation. Regardless of what they do overseas, it does not make them a murderer. They are in a war zone and following orders. I have never once even had an inkling that I should be afraid of my husband because he is a soldier.

8. I'm so sorry your husband had to be deployed. Don't you just hate President Bush?

My husband joined the military of his own free will AFTER 9/11 knowing full well that he would probably be deployed. The President may be the one running the show, but both my husband and I knew what we were getting into when he joined. I'm proud of him and his accomplishments. And I don't discuss politics or religion with anyone. :-)

9. If you truly supported your husband, you would be protesting so..he wouldn't have to deploy again/could be brought home/the war would end.

Really? My definition of support must be much different than the definition of support by these people. Supporting my husband means supporting him in what he does and what he believes in. It does not mean disrespecting the men and women who volunteered to defend our country and our rights. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have the right to protest in the first place. I'm certainly not putting myself in a position where it could be construed as anything other than 100% support for our troops and their families.

10. I can't believe your husband did this to you. Aren't you mad at him?

Um, what?! My husband didn't do anything to me. He honors his agreements and he follows the orders of his superiors. There's certainly nothing sad or maddening about having a husband who fulfills his commitments. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm proud of my husband and I completely support him.

Cleeaaaning.

I'm procrastinating horribly! But so far, my house is looking so much better than what it did before! I moved a new piece of furniture into our dining room and kinda made it into my craft room... It's cramped, but I need it for all of my crafting stuff.
I am having a Mary Kay party tomorrow and am planning on being away from home for a majority of the day.

On top of cleaning, I'm starting to explore what I can do if Alex seriously does get out of the Army. I figure I can't really get too much done until Colin turns 3 and we can enroll him in daycare. I'm hoping we get him potty trained fast! Maybe I'll start babysitting for a while when I get home.... I can even put a list online for being a pet sitter... There are possibilities...

Right before I left for college, I decided that I wanted to join the PD or FD. Well now things have changed drastically. I have a beautiful family now... However, I wouldn't mind following up with that eventually. While it won't be possibly until Colin is in daycare, I could still take a few courses online and get prepared physically.

Meh.

And that is that!

After contemplating a move home, I've decided that I can do this. It will only better me to stay here, in the long run. I can make it through anything that I'm put through. This deployment included. I am a strong wife and mother. I should not uproot my family when in a years time we'll be doing it again.
However, I cannot wait to get home to Florida. I miss my sunny Florida and the family that we have there.

When does this deployment end again??

I'm contemplating on throwing in the towel, packing everything up and moving to Sarasota. Colin and I can establish a home there. I can look for a good job that I can stay with. AND I can stop worrying if anyone is going to threaten me. The only downside is that I will have to move back here into temporary housing while Alex comes home from Deployment and he gets out of the Army... So I'd have to find a job that would allow me to do that... Even if it were at Publix...
I want, no I need home.

Colin's First Flight!

Okay, I think I have enough patience to sit down and write about our eventful week.

Our day started out by heading to Walmart to get an easy to push, travel stroller. I buy the stroller and I have to assemble it. I figured I could do it in the parking lot and then head on our way to Syracuse. But noooooo. I needed scissors. So I brought it back into Walmart to see if someone could assemble it for me, but they refused to. Apparently I don't look like I need help while lugging around a car seat and a partially assembled stroller. So I head back home, get frustrated with the stroller, think about how much easier it would be if Alex were home, get my woman strength back up, assemble the stroller, and leave!

We arrived at the airport with plenty of time to spare. Of course I did this on purpose! Despite how long it took me to assemble a stinkin' stroller! I have never traveled with Colin in an airport, so I follow what a woman in front of me was doing. She took her child out of the stroller and her husband folded up the stroller. I got all of my things up on the conveyor belt, got Colin out, and was wheeling the stroller up when I told the guy that was feeding my bag through the machine, that I had liquid in there. Then he changes with another guy and doesn't tell the guy. He tells me what I need to fold the stroller. I told him if he wanted that to happen, he needed to find someone to help me. A nice TSA worker helped me with that. Then the same rude guy yelled at me for having a hoodie on and then to add, when my bag with the liquid (water to make bottles) went through the machine, he yelled again. UGH!

This was Colin's first flight. I was completely terrified after hearing all of these horror stories of children screaming the entire duration of the flight. Colin was a perfect baby! I couldn't believe it! He slept right through the first flight and then slept a majority of the second flight!

I had so many businessmen helping me out!! I was so happy that they didn't stick their noses up at me for traveling with an infant that 'could scream the entire flight'

ARGH!

Colin is currently cutting his two bottom teeth. I thought it would be a while before we would start to see any white, but oh was I wrong! Amanda saw it the other night! I can't believe this! My baby is growing up!

Just an update...

Things have been strained lately. I have heard from Alex in almost a week, which is not normal for Alex. However, what I've heard from other wives is that they've been told by their husbands that my husband has been very busy. I got so lonely last night that I decided to listen to all of the voicemails that he has ever left me. They are so sweet... Especially when we were dating or when he knew he had done something wrong... It may sound weird, but I miss our little fights. So many different things have gone on in the past week that I haven't been able to tell him about. Some things are great and some things I just wanted to vent about. I miss talking to him.

However, I do have some of the greatest friends! I haven't ever had so many people willing to help me out or simply want to hang out. I have a feeling that I'm going to watch very many movies that I wouldn't normally watch. But so far, they've all been great. For the past week I've watched at least one movie every night, if not more.

On Monday I leave for NC for a week to visit my sisters and all of my old college friends! It will be a much needed week away from here. Hopefully it will help me take my mind off of things. I think I just need to relax a little. Plus, all of my friends get to meet baby Colin! Who is turning out to not be a baby anymore!

I understand that Colin is not even 5 months old yet... But he definitely sits by himself for short periods of time. Alright, where did my little boy go? I think he's growing up too fast! On top of that, he's been doing these huge belly laughs for a while now. For a little bit I couldn't get him to do them for me on command, but now all I have to do is play with him and he's all about the giggles!

As for this flight that's coming up on Monday, I'm not exactly looking forward to it... But I am thankful for it to not be a car ride. I was planning on driving the whole way until Amanda's mom and dad got Colin and I a plane ticket to fly there. I'm really excited to not have to drive the 12 hours or so (not including stops) but I'm not excited about having to bring all of his formula and stuff. Ugh! I guess it's easier than driving! :)

I have almost gave up on waiting for Alex to call. I still cling to my computer and phone from 12-3pm, which is the time he used to call all the time. I am happy that he got to talk to Colin before he stopped calling. That's the one thing I'm happy about! :)

Easter!! Woke up to a bad day

Here's an Easter picture or two!!

I don't even know where to begin... I'm still heartbroken from waking up.

I had set my alarm for 7am, but hit dismiss and went to bed until 8:05am and was supposed to leave for church at 9:30... But get a shower and everything in before we left (we being my neighbors and myself) So some how I manage to take a shower, get myself and Colin ready, and take care of the dog that I'm watching. Get out at 9:30am and my neighbors are missing. They don't answer their door or anything. So I sit outside for a while and then decide to go inside. Right as I am, I hear their garage door opening and them walking down the stairs. So We finally get to church. It was a good service. Really lively... But a good service. But before I got to church, I backed into my garage. I have a dent in the door. I'm livid.

After that, we get back from church and I find that an air freshener was knocked over by Atty. I go to wipe it up, and notice that the finish from the table is eaten off of it. So I need to call the place to see if the insurance I bought covers that!

I didn't get half the crap done that I wanted to before people showed up, but it didn't matter... People were coming anyway!

Alex called, which my day... In the middle of the conversation he said he had to go and would call me when he was done working. So we got off the phone, but immediately after we did he called me back. I noticed that I was being rude and asked Alex if I could get off the phone so I wasn't being. He said that it was fine, but of course that wasn't the deal.

After everyone left I got on Facebook and saw that he had written me a message telling me he was hurt and that all he wanted to do was talk to me. I felt horrible. I had promised myself that I would never do that. I have all the time in the world to live life here, but I only have a couple minutes to talk to Alex.

So I lay down because I'm not feeling well and neither is Colin. I woke up at one point because Colin was hungry and was crying. I immediately went to bed after I fed him. I woke up from having a dream about Alex and I fighting. It was definitely what we would do and how I would react. It felt so real... So now I'm awake again after sleeping for 2 hours... it's only 11pm... But still. This is going to be a long night until Alex calls me again.

Our first missed holiday...

I started getting a few things (food wise) ready for everyone to get together for Easter. As I continued to put the chocolate in all of the molds, I dreaded doing the next mold because I knew that Alex wasn't going to be there to enjoy is all with us.

Yes, I knew this was going to happen. This all was inevitable. I agree. However I never wanted to actually come to this realization.

Colin and I are going with our upstairs neighbors, Elizabeth and Rachel, to their church for Easter service. I'm excited, but would much rather Alex be there with us. I know he'd hate to be in a church, but I believe that he would enjoy watching his little man have a blast during his first Easter.

So you best believe that the camcorder will be attached to my hand as Colin and I go on the prowl for his first egg hunt. I want Alex to witness it just as though he were there with us.

Even though with all of these preparations and everything to make sure that Alex sees everything that I see... I don't want him to see it through a camera lens. How retarded is that? Stupid war.

Staying up late STINKS!

Literally, staying up late just plain stinks.

I just spent a few minutes looking through pictures of morning when Alex left for Afghanistan. The last of his company left early yesterday morning, and seeing everyone else's pictures made me realize that I hadn't looked at the pictures that Alex and I took for a while. After looking at all of them, I realized that it's not necessarily his touch that I miss... But rather the feeling you get when you know that someone is close to you.

I miss our talks we would have in our kitchen... I would sit up on the countertop and he would stand in front of me. We could talk for hours and now we're lucky if we talk for minutes. There are so many things that we need to talk about, but never have a chance to.

Alex is planning on getting out of the Army next May. In order to do so, he has to find a job in the civilian world with no college education. I also need to find a job with half a college education... Which will get you just as far as having no college education. I'm hoping for a miracle so that Alex can be a little more happy during day to day life.

Joan Rivers definitely just came on the TV in an infomercial. I literally laughed out loud because of all the times Alex said, "That b*tch is still alive?!"

Clean Clean Clean... Where's Cinderella when you need her??

Well of course with Alex being gone and with the lack of time spent in the house, I haven't been cleaning too much! But I have people coming over on Sunday and later on for hopefully an FRG meeting... So I want to make it as cleanly as possible!

Colin is enjoying watching me sing as I scrub the bathroom walls. He laughs when I slip on our stupid, paint chipped bath tub. Of course I don't see what's so funny... but whatever makes him laugh makes my day! :)

Let's try this again, again...

It is now March 31.... Or actually April 1st, because I stay up insanely late!!

Alex has been gone 3 weeks and 4 days. I'm used to him being gone by now, but that doesn't mean that I don't yearn for all of our normal activities. Here it is, newly spring in New York, we have great weather! But I don't go on nearly as many walks as I did when Alex was home and there was good weather. (I'm planning on putting an end to that!)

I severely need to do a deep cleaning of my house, but have no motivation after the sun goes down.... That's my cuddle up with myself and do absolutely NOTHING time. Heck! I spend enough time trying to keep myself busy, I need some time to just lounge.

But of course just because I lounge doesn't mean that I will be sleeping. You see, I don't sleep with deployments. Not even before Alex and I were dating... We were barely friends and would just talk every once in a while or whenever he needed a good listener and I would barely sleep because I would be wondering what he was doing. Although now that's not the problem. I have faith that he will do his job. Sometimes I question if he will take his pledge sincerely that he made to the US and actually put his life in immediate danger or if he will cower (sp?) because he knows that he has a wife and a 4 month old son at home. As sick as it sounds, both make me proud.

I've noticed that many things make me proud. Such as at 5pm when you face the flag and show your respect. I have so much more appreciation for so many different things that I never once thought of. I enjoy so many people's company and yearn for others. I feel the need to be involved and love to be involved.

As the last of the company left today, I began to think of what all of my friends were feeling right now... just as I felt over 3 weeks ago. I will make sure that I am there for them, and that they know that they can always use me as an output for their feelings. I will always listen to my friends and will always show respect to them.

I couldn't ask for better people to be surrounded by. Every one of the people that I talk to day in and day out are there for me and Colin. I appreciate that to no end. I'm sure Alex does, too. I love how a sense of family can come from knowing someone online or just have meeting them once. I am honored to be part of such a large family that is spread over so many different countries and spoken in so many different languages. But it's all understood.

I am thankful and nothing more can be said about that.

Colin had his picture taken with the Easter Bunny today at the PX. They were asking for donations (it was another FRG). The leader held Colin for me while I filled out information for them to email me the pictures. Of course Colin was flirting with the woman, and she was just eating it all up! I hope Colin continues to do so well with strangers... (if you know what I mean) He was perfectly fine with the Easter Bunny, too!! Although I made sure he didn't get a look at him. ....But then again, I'm almost positive that it wouldn't have mattered to him. ;)

Welp, it's 3:18am. Maybe I should take a shower to relax... I'm going to check up on my girls in the morning/mid-afternoon to make sure that they're all okay and see if any of them want to go on a walk. :)

Night all!!